Insecurities, do they really go away?

Do our biggest insecurities really go away? Or do we cover it up with layers of compliments and self assurance? If we work hard to achieve a better self, once that fades away with time, will our insecurity come back? When those layers of compliments and self assurance get poked prodded and peeled off over time will we have to once again battle with our demons inside? 

Up until last night I thought I was secure in myself. That I didn't have body issues anymore despite the occasional girly lament of "I got a flabby tummy I can't wear a bikini." But have the confidence wear one out anyway. I foolishly trusted that the demons I once battled 5 years ago were gone. I could joke about my body, I could genuinely laugh alongside people about my jiggling fats. My confidence grew after I lost approximately 7kg last August, I'd never thought that those demons would come back again. Never would I have thought that taunts and words that were meant as jokes could ever hurt me like it did 5 years back. It reopened my wound from before that I once carefully stitched with kind words and reassurance, then guarded with walls I built.

"How did these taunts become something that I started believing in again? 

Do I have to rethink about the standards of beauty? Do I really have to become slim and skinny before I become beautiful in their eyes? Why do I care about what people say anyway? Can't I just do me? All these questions plague my mind as I try to reason with my broken self and I know that the negativity are the demons in me that've resurfaced and I'm in the midst of dealing with them again. 

However I've realised that maybe working out, losing weight, or convincing myself that I'm fine wouldn't help anymore. These are temporary solutions that'll fade and peel away with time, and I'd be back to square one. Maybe what I need to change is my mindset and how I take in opinions of others in a way that I don't have to be jaded to the world or numbed to what people say. But really be okay with the shit I hear and know that I'm better than that. Then again, sometimes it just helps when someone says something nice to build you up.

Words have a strange power over us. They pierce through and break the toughest of walls, yet they can build and create the best of a person. Tell a person everyday that they are amazing and they'll start believing that they are, tell a person everyday that they are ugly and eventually you'll break their self esteem down too. 

My resolution to do something nice for someone everyday is greater than ever, I'd never know if it helped but at least if they felt the way I did before it'll be a small stitch in closing up the wound they are nursing. 

I'm not writing to bring shame to anyone I'm merely voicing out my thoughts, you might relate to it and yet you might not. 

As much as I'd like to imagine I've got it all together, I don't. I still have issues I struggle with, I'm still work in progress. 

STOP With The Excuses. You Deserve Better.

“He just touched my butt. Omg, what the hell. Did he just seriously touch my butt?! Why. I want to tell someone but who do I tell? Would I be making a huge fuss over something so small? He’s already walking away, forget it.”

Ladies, let’s be honest here. Anyone of us reading an article about molestation or sexual harassment have comments like, “I’d slap that guy.” or “Why didn’t she tell anyone?” “I would have scolded him.” “I would have done something” but how many of us, when actually faced with the situation does any of the above mentioned?

How many of us, keep mum about sexual harassment when it happens to us to avoid making a “fuss” or “blow up” the situation. We’d convince ourselves saying “it was just a friendly hug”, “he was just drunk.” “he was just playing around” “I shouldn’t take it to heart.” “It’s a one time thing, it won’t happen again.”

I pride myself as an independent girl who juggles working at a restaurant bar to make ends meet, while pursuing my passion as a wardrobe stylist for TV commercials. I pride myself in knowing how to take care of myself and being able to handle crisis and stressful situations. I was one of the girls who would say “I’d slap him if he touched me.” “I’d push him away” “I’d tell my manager”.

But you know when it actually happened to me, I didn’t know how I should’ve reacted in that moment. If i was supposed to laugh it off because he was a paying customer, or if I was supposed to make a huge fuss and create a bad name for myself as someone who is a stiff or unfriendly. But most of all, I just felt fear. Fear that it would happen again, fear of feeling the same disgust as he walks away as if nothing happened. Fear of being judged or even scolded that i led the guy on with my actions or however provocatively I dressed. Fear that no one would believe me because it was unwitnessed. Fear of people telling me that I invited this upon myself for working in a bar surrounded by drunk men and women. Then for some, a beginning of self blame.

It is never easy when faced with a situation like that and I’m writing about my experience only to let you know that it is okay to feel that way. It is normal to feel scared and you are not alone. You shouldn’t have to put up with being treated as an object of gratification whether or not they are drunk. You deserve a right to protect yourself first. So stop making excuses for the person who harassed you and start standing up for yourself.

It was NOT a “friendly” gesture.

I leave it up to you to decide on how comfortable you were with whatever he/she has done, but if you feel offended or violated, heck even the slightest bit uncomfortable, then you should do something about it. Let me remind you that if any person touching you in any way, giving you a “hug” or pulling you closer to him/her causes you any distress is an act of sexual harassment under section 509 or the Penal Code.

“They are ang-mohs, their culture is more open. / I got gay vibes from the person, never mind la.”

I recently saw a post on Facebook stating how a girl went to the police to file charges against two Westerners for sexual harassment to which they said ”Are you sure you want to do this? If this goes to court, you'll need to testify...." and then concluding the interview with, "Are you sure they weren't just trying to be friendly? You know, ang moh culture is different from ours..." (You can read the entire post here) To which I found this completely ridiculous and I was livid after reading what she wrote.

Whether or not they are from a different country, if you aren’t comfortable with them in your personal space and they forcibly intrude or if they made a lewd comment and you feel distressed or uncomfortable, it is an act of sexual harassment. They shouldn’t be able to get away with making us feel that way just because they have a different culture. Believe it or not, however open Westerners are, there are people who are as uncomfortable with these advancements as you are so don’t let the them get away with it just because they are of a different culture or of a different sexual orientation.

Being gay doesn’t give you the right to touch me if I’m not comfortable with it and I’m not being anti-LGBT here, it applies to everyone. Being of the same gender or even sexual orientation doesn’t matter if you feel uncomfortable with whatever that has happened, It doesn’t excuse their actions.

Kick up a huge fuss.

It is your body, your mind, your personal space and only you can truly protect yourself.

Don’t let them get away with what they said or did. Open up and tell someone, you’ll get a clearer perspective of the situation. You are worth the fuss, you are worth the trouble, and NO ONE should ever treat you that way.

No it isn’t a one time thing.

You need to stop brushing it off and telling yourself “it’s okay, it’s a small matter” and “it isn’t something as heinous as sexual harassment” because it IS. Section 509 Penal Code states that “Whoever, intending to insult the modesty of any woman, utters any word, makes any sound or gesture, or exhibits any object, intending that such word or sound shall be heard, or that such gesture or object shall be seen by such woman, or intrudes upon the privacy of such woman, shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to one year, or with fine, or with both.”

To the girls working in bars/clubs or in the service line, it doesn’t mean that because of where you work, this has to be a norm, you have to be easy going and let things like that slide because the customer is always right or because he/she is a paying customer.

You need to know where to draw the line. To the girls working in offices it might be happening to you too, it might be lewd comments made by fellow coworkers or distressing comments/ actions made by any person, those are acts of harassment too. (This link leads to an article stating briefly and overview of the state of the law regarding sexual harassment at the workplace and touches on section 509 of the Penal Code.)

We aren’t objects here for their entertainment, we are human beings and we have rights too. Sexual harassment happens more often than you think and we need to start to drawing boundaries. Why should we let them walk away after the turmoil they've started within us? Stand up for yourself and start protecting yourself because you owe yourself that much. Don’t ever let push come to shove, the aftermath has more effect on your future (subconsciously or consciously) than you think.