Up until last night I thought I was secure in myself. That I didn't have body issues anymore despite the occasional girly lament of "I got a flabby tummy I can't wear a bikini." But have the confidence wear one out anyway. I foolishly trusted that the demons I once battled 5 years ago were gone. I could joke about my body, I could genuinely laugh alongside people about my jiggling fats. My confidence grew after I lost approximately 7kg last August, I'd never thought that those demons would come back again. Never would I have thought that taunts and words that were meant as jokes could ever hurt me like it did 5 years back. It reopened my wound from before that I once carefully stitched with kind words and reassurance, then guarded with walls I built.
"How did these taunts become something that I started believing in again?
Do I have to rethink about the standards of beauty? Do I really have to become slim and skinny before I become beautiful in their eyes? Why do I care about what people say anyway? Can't I just do me? All these questions plague my mind as I try to reason with my broken self and I know that the negativity are the demons in me that've resurfaced and I'm in the midst of dealing with them again.
However I've realised that maybe working out, losing weight, or convincing myself that I'm fine wouldn't help anymore. These are temporary solutions that'll fade and peel away with time, and I'd be back to square one. Maybe what I need to change is my mindset and how I take in opinions of others in a way that I don't have to be jaded to the world or numbed to what people say. But really be okay with the shit I hear and know that I'm better than that. Then again, sometimes it just helps when someone says something nice to build you up.
Words have a strange power over us. They pierce through and break the toughest of walls, yet they can build and create the best of a person. Tell a person everyday that they are amazing and they'll start believing that they are, tell a person everyday that they are ugly and eventually you'll break their self esteem down too.
My resolution to do something nice for someone everyday is greater than ever, I'd never know if it helped but at least if they felt the way I did before it'll be a small stitch in closing up the wound they are nursing.
I'm not writing to bring shame to anyone I'm merely voicing out my thoughts, you might relate to it and yet you might not.
As much as I'd like to imagine I've got it all together, I don't. I still have issues I struggle with, I'm still work in progress.
